How do the wives of fallen Ukrainian soldiers find the strength to move forward? The Ukrainian Week explores the story of the Pochny! (“Begin!” in Ukrainian) Project in Lviv, which supports women in navigating the challenges following the death of their husbands.
Oksana Chaban lost her husband in October 2022. Now raising two children on her own, she works and strives to weave her grief into the fabric of everyday life. We met her at the Mars Field cemetery in Lviv, where she stood beside her husband’s grave, surrounded by flowers. “My tears are never-ending,” she said.
“October 9 was his birthday, and on October 10, he was killed. He called me the day before, but I didn’t hear it. When I tried calling him back, the line was already dead.”
How does one cope with such profound loss? What message might the departed have left behind? The harsh truth is that death brings with it a sobering realisation: no one else will resolve your problems for you. Whether you cry or not, the reality remains—you must keep moving forward.
For Oksana Chaban, the initial period following her husband’s death was the most excruciating. Eventually, she sought support, reaching out to a psychologist and joining the Pochny! Project. Launched in November 2023 in Lviv and running through early April of this year, the Pochny! Project offered a lifeline to over 25 widows of fallen soldiers. The weekly meetings provided a space for these women to explore their grief and find a new direction. At one session, a coach led a lecture on dreams, asking participants to list their ten most daring aspirations. The room was initially silent, with women gazing blankly at their empty sheets. The silence was eventually pierced by the sobs of one participant, her tears soaking the paper where dreams were supposed to be written. “Tears for a lost future, for a lost life,” said her friend, who was also a widow.
Iryna Polishchak, the driving force behind the Pochny! Project, a dedicated volunteer and human rights advocate, begins by offering comfort to the grieving woman. She then adds: “Crying is a natural part of our process. Anything can act as a trigger—a memory, a question, or even a photo that unexpectedly appears on a phone screen. The crucial thing is to allow time and refrain from intervening, letting people express their grief.”
Polishchak elaborates on the impetus for her project: “A woman who had lost her husband in the war sought my legal help. She had received a payout and invested it in a bank that went bankrupt just two weeks later. She was informed that, out of two million hryvnias, only two hundred thousand could be recovered.”
Another widow faced an even more daunting challenge. She had invested a significant amount of money in real estate, only to find that the apartment she purchased had old wooden beams that had been ravaged by termites. The $50,000 she had initially invested quickly turned into a $100,000 expense as she was forced to replace the deteriorated beams. In my observations, many women seeking legal assistance from me were grappling with a profound sense of purposelessness. This realisation was the catalyst for initiating a support project explicitly aimed at helping women in their situation.
Iryna Polishchak explains that the project’s primary focus was stabilising the participants’ psychological well-being. It included art therapy sessions, both group and individual meetings with psychologists and spiritual advisors, as well as body-oriented therapy. “The body-oriented therapy sessions were particularly challenging for the women,” Polishchak notes. “They were required to lie on mats, connect with their bodies, and address the emotional blocks resulting from their trauma. During one session, the coach asked them to identify and name a place where they felt safe. To our astonishment, each participant identified the Mars Field cemetery as their sanctuary.”
A training session on starting own business and finding motivation held with the founder of a Ukrainian Sisters! brand. Source: Pochny! Project | Facebook
The loss of a loved one stands as one of life’s most traumatic experiences. Psychologists affirm that there is no definitive right or wrong way to grieve. Nonetheless, society, often unconsciously, imposes its own expectations on those already grappling with profound sorrow – dictating how long one should cry, how to mourn, what reasons there are to live, and how to cope with grief.
Oksana Chaban reflects on how, at times, she was reluctant to leave her home, overwhelmed by the insensitive advice and questions from her colleagues: “How long can you cry?”, “You must live for the sake of your children,” “You need to be strong.” Such comments only deepened her distress.
“There were instances at work when I would simply arrive at my desk and burst into tears. No one seemed to understand what was happening to me. But how could I not cry? There were so many dreams and plans. And now, nothing. I can’t focus on studying or working. No desire, no inspiration. Nothing. Life has taken on a new form, one where the person I loved is no longer present.”
During the grieving process, securing support from those around you and caring for yourself are crucial. Olesya Kryskiv, a professional psychologist from the Lviv Kolo Simyi (“The Family Circle”) Centre, offers guidance on managing the death of a loved one. She emphasises that there are no rigid rules—one must do what feels necessary for one’s own healing. This might mean sleeping as much as needed, engaging in activities that provide comfort, and allowing oneself to fully experience a wide range of emotions. No one can dictate how you should act or what you should do during this time. It is important not to rush the process but to confront the pain directly, facing the feelings of loss, jealousy, and longing with openness. Expect sudden waves of grief and gradually work on restoring your routine. Re-establishing your daily patterns can help you regain a sense of control, as profound loss often feels like it has pulled the ground out from under you, leaving a deep sense of helplessness. In addition to the heavy psychological and emotional burden caused by the war and the loss of their husbands, widows face new challenges: receiving governmental payments, managing funds properly, addressing legal matters, and socially adapting to their new status as widows.
After addressing the psychological challenges and emotional turmoil of the women, Iryna and her team decided to redirect the project’s focus toward finding purpose. They engaged the participants in discussions about their goals and personal missions, shifting the emphasis to self-realisation and career development. The women began collaborating with a business coach. As Iryna recalls, the sessions were marked by many tears and setbacks, yet these moments of vulnerability served as powerful motivators for the women to begin forging a new path forward. “In those meetings, we used a life balance wheel to illustrate their progress. The drawings revealed that some women were searching for their calling, eager to create something of their own and innovate. Many were also on a quest for spiritual growth,” Iryna notes.
“We also aimed to illustrate the array of possibilities that lay ahead for them. The decision to embark on any of these paths was entirely theirs to make,” Iryna Polishchak explains. The project offered a comprehensive range of activities, including lectures on business management, financial literacy, coaching, business plan development, and advice on securing grants. Polishchak expresses her hope that such a support program for women might eventually be embraced, at least at a local level, if not nationally.
“Our society must stop ignoring the reality and finally recognise that widows exist. They cannot bear this burden alone, and a helping hand is essential. While veteran communities receive the recognition they deserve, it’s high time we extend the same acknowledgement to widows,” she asserts.
Roksolana Tokarska, another project member, offers insights into how the social adaptation process for women who have experienced loss can be improved. “It would be beneficial if employers understood how to support women who are grieving. First and foremost, they should view these women as individuals rather than through the narrow lens of widowhood, which can deepen their sorrow. By understanding the stages of grief, employers can help these women come to terms with their loss. The death of their husbands is a collective sorrow that touches us all.”
Oksana Chaban offers heartfelt advice to those navigating the aftermath of loss: don’t hesitate to ask for help, be open with your management about your grief, and continue to live through the tears. Despite the challenges she has faced, she is now setting her sights on further education and honing her skills in culinary arts, driven by her passion for baking.
Oksana reflects on a poignant dream she had after her husband’s passing: “I dreamt that I was walking with him, and he told me, ‘Everything will be fine, but from now on, you will walk alone.’ Even in the dream, I knew he was gone, yet being near him felt so comforting that I wanted to hold him. In that moment, I realised I was embracing nothingness.”
In her darkest moments, Oksana finds solace in the words her husband shared with her just before he died: “Oksana, live each day as if it were your last. Live.” These words continue to inspire and guide her as she moves forward with resilience and hope.
